“I don’t know what I’m talking about”

Hi Reader,

For the last eight years, it was pretty common to hear “I don’t know what I’m talking about” come out of my mouth (or keyboard).

I always felt a little awkward about saying this while also writing a book and being on podcasts and generally talking about… well, I don’t know what (which was the point)… while simultaneously trying to offer something that would help someone. Was it advice? Self-help? Philosophy? Random blahblah? Are those things even mutually exclusive?

I put a lot of thought and effort into this. Who was I trying to help? What did they need? What did I know that they didn’t? How could I best communicate that?

I never really found answers to those questions. Hence, “I don’t know what I’m talking about,” and that awkward feeling, persisted.

Well, I was struck by something in the last couple weeks. The same phrase still applies–I still don’t know what I’m talking about. But the meaning has completely shifted for me.

It used to be that when I’d say “I don’t know what I’m talking about,” what I meant was something like, “of all the things there are to talk about, I’m unclear on which one I want to choose.” In other words, I had no focus.

And, yes, I felt vaguely ashamed and awkward about this. Like it was some failing on my part. Maybe it was. I think it probably doesn’t matter.

But in the last few weeks as I’ve begun gaining some serious clarity on my calling, “I don’t know what I’m talking about” has felt less and less true. I do know what I’m talking about now. I have that focus that I previously lacked.

I’m currently expressing that calling as I want for people to experience coming home. There. That’s clear. Focused.

But what does “coming home” mean?

And that’s what struck me this week: the irony of the fact that I still don’t know “what I’m talking about.” I used to lack focus, to not know which thing I even wanted to talk about. Now I have a focus. I’m trying to point right at the experience of “coming home.”

And what is that?

Well, it’s…

…it’s like…

…you know how when you…

…see, there’s this sort of…

…

…

…I guess I don’t know what I’m talking about. Womp womp.

I’m laughing at myself, of course. I know on some level what I mean by coming home. I know it’s deeply moving to me. I know it has the power to shift the way I live my life. I know I want to share it with you.

It just doesn’t language very well. It’s not empirical; I can’t point to it in the physical world. But neither is it completely conceptual.

In my next email I’ll make a first attempt at sharing it.

But for now, in the context of this email, all I can do is luxuriate in the absurdity of life. Even now that I’ve found the focus I was looking for, nothing has changed. Life is still the same as it always was. So that’s one more piece of evidence on the giant mountain of evidence that no realization or epiphany is ever going to fundamentally change the way things are. These are all just word-thoughts. In a way they create reality, but in a different way they have no reality at all.

So, there. That’s all the I-don’t-know-what I have for you this week. I’ll be back in two weeks. Until then, I’ll leave you with this question:

What do you want to talk about but aren’t sure how?