Hiding—the Original Sin

Hi Reader,

First, a brief accountability note: I followed through on my commitment to begin handling the too-much-to-do-ness of life. But I don’t really want these emails to be life updates, so that’s going into the PS where you can ignore if it you like.

Next, let’s turn that around: How has it been following through on your commitments these past two weeks? I invite you to let me know, good or bad.

Now, one last reflection on hiding.

The oldest story about hiding that I know of is the story of Adam and Eve. Leaving out all the woman/man/fault/blame/snake/fruit/tree details that often bog the story down, we can just focus on the hiding: Adam and Eve were naked and it didn’t occur to them that there was any problem with that. Then, an idea got into their heads that there was something wrong with them, so they donned the fig leaves or whatever.

That’s hiding. We hide when we think there’s something wrong with us.

I remember one of my “Adam and Eve moments.” I was playing with some friends on the beach. I was maybe 11 or 12 years old. I looked down and realized my belly stuck out, but if I flexed my abs I could make it flat. So I did, and you know what? I’ve been doing it ever since. 30 years of flexing. If that’s not hiding, I don’t know what is.

I mentioned this to my coach a while back, and he said something unexpected (he has a knack for that). He said, “relaxing your solar plexus is a prerequisite for having anyone trust you.” And you know what? I’ve recently discovered that I struggle with trusting myself.

Maybe this is the fruit of all this hiding. Maybe this is what I wrought when I believed that seemingly innocent little thought that there was something wrong with me. Maybe learning how to relax my solar plexus (or un-learning how to constantly flex it) will change my life. What a weird notion. I’m going to test it out.

(Extended parenthetical: What I want to tell myself, and you, is that “there’s nothing wrong with you.” On an intellectual level I’m convinced this is true. But I forget it all the time. I don’t know if I really believe it, deep down. I certainly don’t embody it. I’m super judgmental of everyone and everything, myself included. Probably, having spent half a lifetime practicing being judgmental in this way, it’s not going to go away. But alongside it, I’m going to work on being in closer relation to this sense that “there’s nothing wrong with me.” If that’s the case, then there’s nothing to hide.)

There’s one thing I want to mention briefly before I close out this email. I committed to this project with the idea that it would be about my vision for the future: “a world no longer divided by religion.”

I wonder, now, in the context of hiding, if I’m still committed to that or if it was just another way for me to hide from whatever it is inside me I’m afraid of. Certainly I would love to contribute to a world no longer divided by religion. But is it a possibility I’m committed to? Or just something I would like to think I’m working toward while avoiding looking into the one place I actually have control over: my own life.

I’m starting to think it’s that last one. And that’s, well… that’s something.