Lost in the maelstrom

Hi Reader,

Back in August I sent an email about being lost, and how comfortable I was with it.

Well, recently I’ve had a few experiences of being lost and it occurring as pretty uncomfortable. It’s got me wondering if I even know what it is to be lost in the first place. Am I lost? How would I even know? How do I know anything?

I had these experiences in conversation with my coach. He’s very good at what he does. In one of our recent sessions I expressed this lost sensation as, “where are we right now?”

He replied, “I’m in the business of distressing people.”

Certainly there’s the “world” of things I know. And when I find myself outside that world, encountering ideas (or maybe non-ideas? What’s the opposite of an idea?) that don’t “fit” on the “map” of my known “world,” well, I don’t really know what to do. Mostly I just freeze up. At least I’m getting to the point where I can notice that and admit it.

I suppose it’s what I’ve signed up for. So as things go I guess that’s good.

Part of what’s got me feeling sorry for myself is that when I expressed the possibility I’ve been operating from—you know the one:

…when I expressed that, his response was, “that’s not a possibility, at least not in the way you said it just now.”

Well, that was a blow. It knocked me right off the map.

I was having coffee with a friend this morning when another good friend of ours showed up randomly and was able to join us for a few minutes. He said something really beautiful. I’ll quote it as best I can remember:

There’s something incredibly powerful about connecting with someone in one of those moments. We’re always adrift in the storm of life, but for a little while we can drift together. You don’t have to say anything in those moments. Just look into their eyes and feel that wow. Here we are together.

I was driving home from that meeting, feeling open and emotional and grateful for the moment the three of us shared. What a gift they were to me. And maybe I was to them as well. And it occurred to me that a big part of what I’m trying to practice is my ability to find myself in the midst of that maelstrom, and look at how I am reflected in the great big universe, and maybe come face to face with myself, and just be there for a moment, together. Wow. Here I am, together with all things. I don’t know if I understand this. I’m not even sure it makes sense. But here I am typing these words with tears running down my face.

Lost? Off the map? Maybe. Or, maybe if I can learn to really be there with myself, I’d discover I’m not lost at all. Maybe I never have been.

In moments like the one I expressed earlier, when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I see two “obvious” responses. I can try to stop feeling what I’m feeling; or I can indulge it. Neither feels very powerful. Today I see a third possibility. I can just sit down and be with myself.

Wow.

I don’t have any questions for you today. I only want you to know that I’m grateful you’re here with me, and I love you.