Your biggest fear

Hi Reader,

I’ve been doing something really uncomfortable the last few weeks: pursuing a conversation with a friend that I’m committed will really help them, but which they’ve said they’re not interested in.

The whole process has been stirring me up inside. It’s been awkward, uncomfortable, and humiliating. In one case I would even describe my demeanor as “pathetic.”

I’ve felt at times like I’m being a bad friend, when my intention is in fact exactly the opposite.

It’s been hard. One of the hardest things I’ve done in recent memory. There have been times when I’ve been shaking, palms sweaty, unable to recall things I definitely know. It’s occurred to me that this is like the part of the workout where you’re puking your guts out.

I’m not sure what will come of this. Maybe I’ll give up. But I’m not ready to yet. In fact, during last week’s men’s group I felt a conviction that the path to growth—at least for myself—is to continue to do precisely the thing I’m most afraid of. Whatever that is.

There’s a lot of precedent for this kind of practice. Joseph Campbell says, “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” And that’s an idea that he got from countless age-old stories which might be a repository of wisdom about how to live.

But man, is it ever brutal to actually do it. It feels like dying. (I guess that’s in the stories, too.)

But it’s been funny to notice how I feel before and after doing something this hard. Before, I’m incredibly intimidated. During, I’m uncomfortable and awkward. But after, I feel very alive.

Similarly, the night before I decide I’m going to do something hard, my mind is racing before I fall asleep. And the night after? Complete peace of mind. I sleep like a baby.

So in a way, this commitment to going through with the “little death” of letting go of an old way of being gives an almost-immediate payoff. Death, as it so often seems to be, is transmuted into life.

I hope I get better at this. I still have a lot to learn, but it seems like there might be something really powerful here.

So, let me ask you a question: what’s one thing you’re afraid of in your life right now?